point of view

like the moment during takeoff just before your ears pop the pressure of the quiet gets to me stillness is a song but silence is a tense hum waiting perhaps it's a struggle to catch up, to get ahead of the tick of the clock so that there's time to hear the music to pause, to observe the symphony between the lines to create the music that's already around there are riches in the drumming rain the pulsating surf the teeming streets riches waiting to be spoken but first, someone needs to pause and listen

Good Friday is my favorite holiday although sometimes I'd rather pass over the darkness quickly look to the Sunday sunrise but you've got to sit in the horror of it a little while make your home beneath the Cross and you'll see how He was torn the slow suffocation the life-blood that seeps away, congealed and continual how His loved ones must have prayed for death to hurry what agony to see Him suffer, exposed and shamed, for hours on end but they didn't even know the half of it all hell's darkest powers many eternity's worth of torture, concentrated into this slim span of time creation strains under the weight of this confusion something is terribly, terribly wrong the sun knows it, and dares not look on the horrible sight the earth shudders violently in fear the agonizing shriek rings out Forsaken and yet, He has asked for the bitter wine and vinegar He is willing to drink down the dregs of His Father's wrath The crumbs of His br...

stark velvet chill bits of icy illumination surround the contented moon ahead of me the horizon blushes faintly rainbowing the blue-black quiet the light is certainly coming, but the anticipation drags on there's a ray of promise, I think it builds a swell of glow the sky-blind is lifted and like a holy unveiling, a sacred disrobing, the brilliance overtakes us after the shy of it did you expect it to be this warm, this blinding?

sometimes it's all blurry like the moon tonight warm and sleepy and yet there's restlessness and hunger to know this is not really  home and that means THANK YOU thank You that I get to be where I am wading in the messiness of human hearts and many mistakes and the fathomless depths of Your Words stars spoken in a treasure chest with beat-up leather covers.   it's so not the neat and tidy I am comfortable with but somehow I love that because You're rearranging my heart and there is no good symphony built of resolved chords and the best music is the beautiful tension, You transforming dark chaos into the light of hope and in these moments of  sweat and elbow grease, blood and baby skin  empty arms and full, full hearts somehow even the ache can be beautiful because even though I will always mourn my little ones and all the loved ones too far to touch my heart continues to swell and stretch,  and I never knew I co...

how can I explain this so that you understand how it picked up my world and spun it dizzy til, now, I see everything differently? how can I reduce to a mere few words something that still keeps me up nights lately the tears are so close to the surface and the weirdest things will break the dam it won't make sense to tell you that I still keep thinking of the vodka bottle in the middle of the road why I want to learn to dance well how much I miss the  warm fuzzy-headed weight on my chest? words fall so flat if I tell you what I saw and heard you might be shocked,  might say "how awful!" and you'd be right (though you probably won't feel it the way we did) but  that's not the point. image source  

and soft she kisses black eyes blink sister toddles off oblivious to the call her name, but play is imperative a sigh soon, she'll fetch the wanderer but she lingers with the tiny bundle drawn back to those eyes serious, penetrating and they speak to one another silently. imagesource

 Why is it so easy to live life numb and believe I am self-sufficient?  Why do there seem to be so many obstacles to loving people well?  Why does an element of uncertainty guarantee that I will be obsessed with said topic?  Why can my phone not handle uploading 40 minutes of Kevin DeYoung video onto the internet?  What happens if this broke student doesn't fundraise enough to cover all my costs for my summer internship?  What if I don't find a job this fall?  What if the truck that hit the car my brother was in this week had been going a little faster than he was?  How do I grow in realizing my need for God's Word, and managing my time so that it is priority?  How should a Christian worldview assess the diagnosis of PTSD and what am I going to focus on in my paper on said topic?  How am I going to pack up all my things in time, and are we going to have an apartment to move into next fall?  How am I going to retain all the other th...

I've been that girl beating my wings against the bars of grace desperately restless I've been that girl running, running cold hiding away inside myself I've been that girl but it's one step after the other and it's a wrestling gasping mercy drowning in love and it burns white hot because I've always been pursued I've always been hedged in and even when it hurts,  I am held and here I struggle and today, I am so content but even when I find myself wearing through my shoes again on the road, wandering again always I am home. With You.

when I call myself a loner will you come and sit with me if I feel out in the cold will you be the bridge between when I say my heart's uncaring, will you shed your tears for me when my days feel dark and despairing share the joy and grace you see if the grace of Christ has changed you, will you let it flow to me if you know the truths of Jesus, please tell me what they mean will you act the always faithful love of the pursuing Friend will you sing the song of hope to me until I can sing again if I choose to be rebellious you've got to tell it like it is be gentle and unyielding don't give up on me just yet if I tell you of the horror, don't pretend you understand be patient, walk beside me if I can't see, take my hand if the grace of Christ has changed you, will you let it flow to me if you know the truths of Jesus, please tell me what they mean will you act the always faithful love of the pursuing Friend will you sing the song of h...

treetop moon bursting through flurried kitchen concoctions ruffled thudding on my window we're restless, you and i. let's pretend to be poets, snobbish and elusive truth is, we don't know what to do with ourselves hungry for summer for release but today is a gem whether we know it or not. image from justcalendar.org

...But I need a little processing time before I can write something about the things that are in my head right now.  Thought for the day:   The Lord works everywhere, all the time.   Think about it.

velvet pansy richness silky oriental fabric violets crushed underfoot purple cabbage sizzling  between  slices of apple starry midnight eyes the sky just beyond the bumpy edge of cloud paint drops on the driveway ink on the page translucent blades of grass cool evergreen shade aged books embossed with gold cucumbers and celery, sliced crisp puddled afternoon sunlight budding daffodils baby curls banana-colored yarn orange peels spraying scented mist the full moon hanging close and heavy waxy crayon dusty lily hearts cherry highlights packed in a bowl lips curved happy row of cool clay pots fallen rose petals and all washed sparkling down with humbled grateful tears

cloud to sun to cloud to sun the smell of sunscreen tanktops and dirt under my nails robin singing so loud I hear it from inside my car at a stoplight sudden downpours, thunderstorms even rubber boots counting down to the last day of school June's first buttercups it's coming.

sprays of petals the whir and hum of feathered wings field-puddles and plowed furrows sun-warmed soil and baby leaves the way the daffodils are all opening in pairs suddenly yellow is my new favorite color I want rain I want roses I want redemption change. It is good, and it is promised. I think my soul will always be something of a bride  when it is Spring.

listen you weary busy and numb and frustrated the tinsel and inflatable Santas tire your soul the flickering lights are cold like LED and the emptiness of your heart is weighing heavy searching for wonderful this time of the year I know oh, I know in this long winter this dark, dark night at the moment when despair begins to choke us a beam of light constellations are singing as a woman cries out and in a muck of blood and fluids a Baby with hardly any hair, no teeth, uncoordinated limbs skin and flesh and bone human yet - miracle of miracles - the light of Divinity I wonder how Mary dared to touch Him and the Light in that stable shines down through the ages to you He can take your life of dark moment followed by dark moment and spill His blood into your dead and decaying soul to bring life and hope and light to transform your everyday.

the harvest-remains are tilled under and I find myself wondering, when did the summer night-noises hush their conversation? The soil feels barren in my fingers the warmth of life isn't there anymore and the chill in my lungs rests there in my palm, too yet the moonlit furrows stretch far beyond my view and I know this time of waiting dying clearing is beautiful too. The stars above, masked by transparent cloud they are the same and so is the Sower, the Potter. There is weeping in my heart when the Master plows deep when He clears the fields but as I sit here, hands and knees feel the earth and I know springtime, harvest and daylight will come in His good time. Sow for yourselves righteousness; Reap in mercy; Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, till He comes and rains righteousness on you. -Hosea 10:12 He who continually goes forth weeping , bearing seed for sow ing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him. -Psa...

Melany, I watched the ABC 20/20 documentary. Here are my thoughts. If I mixed up details about the story it's because I watched it all once and then couldn't find it back again =) Yay for living in Canada where American broadcasts disappear because of copyright issues! What does ABC News know of the ache in your eyes cameras roll as tears slip down you tell the world that your Indian name, Stands Against The Wind, means that you are forever strong that you will never hang yourself in the closet again because your brother found you you say you are strong but I know I know in my heart it means hard I watch through the television lens as feathers and beads spin, dancing with a little girl's giggle and my heart, well, I can feel physical pain even writing this oh, my little ones... It's hard and it hurts to remember their giggles it still hurts the boy who tells us he wants to be the first Native American President and his cousin displays burn scars from a parent who wa...

like a prairie hawk in a fowler's net my restless heart struggles angry at times other times, holy and content once in a while, both and the whole drama beautiful somehow. How strange how incomprehensible this work of Yours but this wild and dirty little gypsy girl You love her somehow I am convinced of it how else this grace, all this Grace? love more than imagination can wrap itself around intimately, deeply, oh so painfully heavy euphoria sanctification.

are you thirsty? Come Come to the Waters are you hungry? Come Come eat Living Bread are you broken? Come Come to the Healer are you chained, imprisoned? Come Come taste freedom are you grieving, in mourning? Come Come dance to the Song of Salvation are you dead, dead and buried? Wake! Rise and live!

I wrote this a little while ago but I need to be reminded again and again! Promises... Tearing through walls of doubt melting away walls I built to protect my pain The agony of loneliness the guilt of knowing there's no reason for it knowing I am not alone The sorrow over my numbness my rebellion and envy oh, I want to be thirsty! Child Hush Others have betrayed you but I was betrayed so that you will never be forsaken I am your hope drink, though it may choke you at first no place, no heart is impervious to the gospel whether you believe it or not My grip never slackens in the blackest night or the foggiest day if you ask I will give you trust.