Why is it so easy to live life numb and believe I am self-sufficient? Why do there seem to be so many obstacles to loving people well? Why does an element of uncertainty guarantee that I will be obsessed with said topic? Why can my phone not handle uploading 40 minutes of Kevin DeYoung video onto the internet? What happens if this broke student doesn't fundraise enough to cover all my costs for my summer internship? What if I don't find a job this fall? What if the truck that hit the car my brother was in this week had been going a little faster than he was? How do I grow in realizing my need for God's Word, and managing my time so that it is priority? How should a Christian worldview assess the diagnosis of PTSD and what am I going to focus on in my paper on said topic? How am I going to pack up all my things in time, and are we going to have an apartment to move into next fall? How am I going to retain all the other things that have rocked my world this semester?
Sigh. Sometimes your brain just goes round and round. I am so thankful for spring blossoms and Sunday afternoon walks; for wonderful things that use up most of my brain cells, for people and invitations that come at just the right time. I have been so blessed lately both by the richness of what I am learning (even my paradigm shifts are having paradigm shifts) and by the people God has been blessing me with - people who offer me food, people who trust me with hard things, people who ask for my story, people who share their precious time and valuable wisdom, and people who invite me to swing dance when my brain is too full for any more homework!
I think the one thought in all the kerfuffle that I can hang onto is that the cross is what I need. After attending a book launch for Kevin DeYoung's new book, and spending the next morning at Mrs. Gaffin's place with some wonderful women discussing personal devotions, I am realizing that I often forget to look for Christ in what I read and hear. One of my professors said earlier this semester (I think it was David Powlison) "all of the Psalms need to be pushed through the Cross." That stuck with me and I see what a difference this makes. Just reading Ezekiel 16 this morning, and going through all the punishments that God says He will bring on Israel for her harlotry, I was so struck by the realization that Yahweh is speaking all these awful things knowing that it is Christ who will suffer this, in Israel's place.
I am so blind, and
I am so loved.
"Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger."
(St. Patrick's Prayer)