9/28/10

Link

I'm going to post a link to this too, it's on facebook but I want to archive it with my other writing. It's also something I like to be reminded of.
Facebook Note - Inspired by the line "run over by God" - an allegory of sorts

9/26/10

Weekend Musings

Yesterday I got rear-ended. I could be melodramatic and say it was a scary experience (it kind of was) or brush it off and say that it was no big deal (which is also kind of true). In actuality the experience left me with a lot to think about.
I was on my way from a Bible conference on evangelism to a Christian Muslim Forum with my brother Mark and some friends. I was driving my Dad's car, Alyssa B was driving a vanload, and Aaron L was also driving a small car. We were on the Q-- (highway) and traffic slowed quickly, I had to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting the guy in front of me. Rick said/yelled something about the shoulder, but by the time I processed that I only had time to clue in THE CAR BEHIND ME! and glance in the rear-view mirror to see Alyssa's van, know what was about to happen, too late to do anything about it.
You know those moments where time seems to slow. When I look back on it, I am a little amazed, and a little confused at what was running through my head. The split-second between realizing what was going to happen and the actual impact, I felt a kind of peace and trust that frankly, still leaves me a little breathless. The consciousness of God's presence and God's care that I felt still has me in awe as I write this. Two Novembers ago I was in an accident with my mom that was kind of similar, we got rear-ended as well, (she was driving though) and I felt almost the same thing, but though this may sound strange I think I really needed it this time. More on that later.
The instant after the impact my first thought was MARK! as I pulled onto the shoulder (wish I'd done it earlier!!). I think that was what shook me up. Mark and Rick were in the back seat, Aaron (B) was in the passenger seat. My next thought was "Dad doesn't have collision insurance on this car!!!!" What an awful sinking feeling, mingled with relief that Mark and Rick were ok. I'm not sure exactly what happened after that until somebody came back into the car and said something like "thank God for plastic cars!"
Both cars were totally fine.
I think my heart started beating again then =)

At this moment I am so thankful. My God is so good. Lately Psalm 63 has been hanging out with me a lot, and verses 7 and 8 seem pretty fitting right now.

Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.

I am so thankful that both cars and all the people in them were ok.
My bumper has some marks, I think the bolts from Alyssa's van, and the guys said something about some of the foam underneath maybe being broken? I am not a car person so I don't really know what that means. The right side of the bumper by the wheel well was loose but once we got to the Forum Rick and Joseph popped it back in. It could have been so much worse. Not only our cars, but also that Aaron L, who was right behind Alyssa, was ok too. He had to pull onto the shoulder to avoid hitting Alyssa from behind.

I'm thankful that it didn't happen to us earlier.
If it had happened to us on Friday, it would have been strangers who hit us. We still made it to the forum in time. I'm thankful that Rick was there because if it had just been Aaron, Mark & I, I would have been the only one who knew how to drive stick, and I was not in the best condition to drive right afterward. I'm thankful that Rick could drive the rest of the way.

I'm thankful for the reassurance of God's care for me.
As I said earlier I am still in awe of this. This is something I have been struggling with lately. It's been a lonely fall and I struggle with not having a job and simply doubting that I am where I should be. This has been a painfully sweet reminder that God is here in Ontario, that this is part of His plan and He makes no mistakes. He will never let me go. His grip engulfs me and nothing else can get through that.

I'm thankful that I can trust Him with those I love.
I've never been in an accident where I was the driver, except for one time in the church parking lot when I was alone in the car - I drove off the pavement onto what I thought was a gravel section and was a sheet of ice. I just wasn't able to steer and slid into a friend's van. (There wasn't any damage). The thing that shook me up about this time was that my younger brother (and friend) were in the back seat and could have been hurt or killed. As it is I think Mark is probably the worst up, Mark and Rick and Aaron all have whiplash a little but Mark had his head turned and there are no head rests in the back. This morning his neck is pretty sore and stiff. My head rest was at the right height and I was already leaning against it so I'm fine. It is a hard and beautiful thing to know that though I simply cannot protect those I love all the time, the Lord can and will. This is also something I've been struggling with. Strangely enough right after the accident when I was thinking about Mark I also had this little girl http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5AMSPK-QcOU/TI6QVt5cbvI/AAAAAAAAABI/JeFWmcr3F2A/s1600/me+kyra.jpg in my head. There are a number of kids from Okreek who I have had a really hard time with leaving and she is one of them. The next 20 minutes or something her voice was echoing in my head as it does at random (and very inconvenient) times. "Lizzi, make him stop. He's scaring me... Lizzi, I don't want to die. I don't want to die. ...Why do people say the streets are gold in heaven? Mom! Mom! I don't want to die. I don't want to die. "
I have such a hard time letting go. Why is it so much easier to trust for yourself than for others?
I know the Lord can take so much better care of her, of Mark, of all of the people I love and want to protect, than I ever could. The pain of leaving those kids may never go away, or not until God brings something else to fill that bloody hole in the heart, but I CAN leave them and have peace in knowing that "He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep". (Psalm 121)


For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

9/20/10

seasons of the spirit


blustery rainstorms
sticky mud turned lush green
overnight we have been reborn
promise, promise, promise
buds and shoots from death
I remember
new life is a miracle.

the air is heavy with sunshine
we are thirsty
buds became blossoms
blossoms wither
the earth swells with fruitfulness
I remember
there is joy in the harvest.

there's a chill in the air
nipping my nose and lungs
blood on the leaves
as they fall
in their wind-whipped dance
I remember
sometimes death is beautiful.

in the stillness
of the ice
blindingly blanketed
life is hidden
earth stands still
I remember
we are waiting



image from http://mariusp.deviantart.com/art/Four-Seasons-35993741


hate

Sometimes I know how to hate.
Sometimes I wish I was an archer
with the arrows of light.
Sometimes I see a little bit of Satan's true colors,
that's when it happens.
Sometimes I see it when the sin in me has deeply wounded
someone I love dearly
then I hate.
Sometimes I see it when evil men rob someone I love
of what little pretense of hope she had left.
Then I hate.
When I cry tears of rage
for the "babies underneath their beds"
When I long to take the place
of someone who has no hope
to go through her pain and loss and trauma for her
because my Hope & Comfort would get me through,
in the end
she has nothing
That is when I hate.
When I cry "what fools we were
to choose this path!"
thorns and thistles
death and heartache.
That is when I truly begin to understand
what an illogical
glorious
breath-taking thing the Cross is.
And my heart gives a great leap of joy
to see that there is a Hero
A White Rider who is the Sun dawning on our night
and my being thrills
every fiber cries
THERE IS A SAVIOR!
He saved my day
He is my Dayspring
And then I pick up my sword of the Spirit
double check my helmet of salvation
hitch up my truth-belt
to run as fast as I can in the gospel of peace shoes (they're a little big yet)
to love
and to hate
to follow in His steps
until He comes back one more time
and re-makes everything
justice will be met.
no more pain
no more suffering
no more tears.













This could use some polishing but for now I'll just post it as is.

9/13/10

Inspired by Dangerous Journey

"Today I met a traveler
and something
something was different about him.
You see this burden on my back
You've got one
I've got one
all our friends have one
He didn't.
He was carrying a cross instead.
I'm not sure which looks easier
but it was different.
I asked him
Who are you?
and why are you carrying that?
and how come you don't have a burden like me?
He looked at me
and there was light in his eyes.
He said
Friend, I used to
have a burden
but now
I'm on the Way of the Ransomed
some call it
the Way of the Free
the Narrow Path
My burden rolled off
as soon as I began my journey.
I said
Your cross looks heavy.
He said
It is
but I have been given strength
to match it's weight.
When I watched him go
his feet hardly touched the ground.
I'm not sure but
I think I might like
to exchange my burden for a cross
to walk that Way
if I could have that light in my eyes.
He told me to go to the cross
He said that burdens are loosed there
and slaves go free.
Will you come with me?"


.....

my arms feel awfully empty
am I not needed anywhere?
the wiggly bodies
the eager arms
the sweaty little hands
that used to fill my heart
and prayers
they're gone
there's a hollow ache in my chest
are there others to love?
show me
other souls to embrace
right now I feel awfully empty
I'm glad Your arms are around and under me

Matthew 9:37-38

Jaymie was only six years old last February.
But she thought about being grown up a lot. When she watched Grandma, she thought being grown up was lots of aching and forgetting what happened last night. When she hugged Mama she thought being grown up was being trembly and staring blankly into nowhere in particular. When she listened to Auntie, who wasn’t even all the way grown up yet, she thought it was when your voice gets hard. When Roger came and she squeezed behind the stained brown sofa so that he wouldn’t notice her she thought being grown up was having greasy hands and slurry words. And when there were too many grownups and there was loud hollow laughter and shouting and crashes, she pulled her closet door tightly shut, and crawled back, back, back until her stiff little back pressed against the back wall. Then she shivered in the dark and tried not to listen. Times like that she didn’t ever want to grow up. Times like that she squeezed her eyes shut and thought about what it would be like to fall asleep and never wake up again. And before the swearing dissolved into sobs she would be asleep. When she opened her eyes again and uncurled to the morning, the grownups would still be asleep. Cracking the screen door just enough for her lithe body to slip through, she let it thump gently and sat on the step. Sometimes she traced letters in the dirt, sometimes pictures, and sometimes she sat motionless, staring.
Watching.
Waiting.


“The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.” Matthew 9:37-38

motherhood

Little faces everywhere
dimpled cheeks and elbows
sparkling eyes
joyfully uncoordinated limbs
wispy curls
"Daddy, come!"
giggles
earnest explanations of new adventures
excited shrieks
"Look Mommy! Look Mommy!"
none of them mine
to hold
to teach
to love
to care for
I am young, I know
still I cannot help but watch
I feel very sharply the beauty
the right-ness of it
I yearn for it
but it is not mine.
My thoughts turn to other little faces
some with hollow cheeks and bony arms
all with eyes too old for their faces
they do not trust
they long to love
"child" in name only
oh, to restore what they have never known!
Maybe one of these
is mine


To be a Woman

created for Him
made beautiful by Him
the heart of a home
strength and honor clothe her
love, kindness and wisdom
flow gently from her lips
the ageless beauty of a quiet spirit
she is not naive
yet she is not afraid of any terror
she shall rejoice in time to come
see,
her trust-roots are deep
in the Rock
in the Living Water
She knows
she is in His hands
His strength is made perfect in her weakness
she is confident in her Redeemer
she loves sacrificially
she does not tear down
she is a supporter and strengthener
she knows Whose she is
He calls her precious













Proverbs 31, Psalm 1,
John 4, 1 Peter 3

Thank You, God

...For tea, for peace, for candy, for numbing waves, for hope
for belly laughs and late night confessions
for mingled tears and for wildflowers
for fairy tales and childhood memories
for shared victories and shared losses
for giddy moments and earnests longing for holiness
for aged wisdom and childish affection
for iridescent bubbles.
Doubly united in blood
once by Dutch "Luimes" blood
once by the blood of the Lamb
Thank You for ten minute hugs
for ridiculous disses and totally sweet compliments
for a home filled with prayer.
For dishes and volleyball and the grace of God.
Thank You, God, for my family.
It is a promise of things to come.

Trio










Service
thankfully laying down
gratefulness in action
what happens when joy is alive
the fruit of the Spirit
to live to glorify Him

Freedom
knowing the Truth
peace inside of a butterfly
living His power
bound to righteousness
slaves of joy

Joy
dancing alone in a thundershower
between the doorposts of the rainbow
one step further

I know that my Redeemer lives

I know that my Redeemer lives
even when I don't understand the way He is working.
I know that my Redeemer lives
even if I don't know what to do with the path He gives me to walk.
I know that my Redeemer lives
even when I don't know why I live.
I know that my Redeemer lives
even when I don't know why He loves me.

Handiwork

The stars speak comfort to me
cut me down to size a little
say "who are you? What are your problems?
Look
behold
the Creator was, is, is to come
He never sleeps
He never faints
never blinks or ignores
There is so much more to this story
than you
yet He calls you precious."

My Desire

To lay aside weights
To find no satisfaction in anything except for Christ
To run with eyes fixed unblinkingly on the Goal
To boast only in the cross
To rejoice with inexpressible joy when everything is torn away
All to Jesus, I surrender all

Are you willing

to be as the scum of the earth so that others may know what it is to be clean?
Are you willing to be wounded so that others may know healing?
That is what it is to follow Christ's example!


“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Matthew 16:24

I have not

sweat blood
I have not felt the fires of hell
I never will
Because He has
for me
I love Him

...

Quench my thirst
so I'll know what it is to want
fill me up
so I'll know what it is to have an appetite
You make me hungry
I thirst for You
I'm satisfied
in knowing
the best is yet to come.


Father


I will follow
wherever You lead
whether or not it's practical
whatever others think of it
no matter how scary
or hard
or sad. Your plan is what I want,
not mine.
Please remind me of that!
I am Yours.
Amen

Hands

big hands
small hands
puffy hands
gnarled hands
thin hands
bony hands
soft hands
sweaty hands
chilly hands
shaky hands
gentle hands
warm hands

Starry Night

In the luminescence

of the pale blue snow

breath fogs my vision

and crunchy footsteps break the

stillness

inhabited only by star-voices

if you aren’t listening for their chorus

you’ll miss it altogether

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Sometimes I am melodramatic... Bear with me. My favorite thing is finding hope in hard places. If you enjoyed something (or not) I would love to hear from you! You can make me very happy by leaving a comment :)

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