Technically speaking my birthday has just ended. I suppose I should be in bed but it's that time of night and of course I'm waxing eloquent and ignoring my need for beauty rest...
I just wanted to nail down a few things that stand out from my year of being 24. (Because I know when I am finished being 25 I'll get nostalgic and go looking for birthday blog posts.)
I've had dark years. Years that were marked by what one of my professors/coworkers calls the "dark night of the soul." I don't know that I would say that 24 was dark. But I think I have been learning how to grieve this year. More than ever before I have seen my own weakness, my own limitations, my own fallenness and the lack and brokenness of the world around me. And in many little ways I've been forced to give up the notion that I can do enough to reverse these things. Oh, what precious grace that has driven me to cry out to the Lord more than I ever have before! I've learned that very often surrendering to sanctification sounds like, "Lord, help!" It's that breathing rhythm of "Oh God, how I need You!" There have been countless times where I want Christ to explain, to share answers with me. But in those moments He so often does not speak, per se; He just is. Oh how precious His nearness has been to me. How can I explain to you how much it means to me that my Lord Jesus wept? He weeps with me, and the Spirit purifies my tears to image this weeping God by my own grief. Because He's been showing me that this world is so very broken. I am thankful to just lay aside the facades of "we can make this work, we can make our own hope, we will be successful" let's just go ahead and be honest with each other. Life is messed up. So much hurt, so much pain, so much evil.
But if my Savior is the Human who mourned perfectly, He is the one who rejoiced perfectly too. I hope this will be something I'll grasp more fully this coming year. He is also the God who is so pleased to see our joy. And I will say my joy-spots this year have been so ecstatically rich in the context of this grief. Sorrowful yet always rejoicing, I guess. (2 Corinthians) I want to learn how to be sillier and happier, more willing to enjoy the people around me this year. May I surrender my will to the God who designs, cares, feels and acts perfectly. I live 'in Him'.
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