point of view

sometimes it's all blurry like the moon tonight warm and sleepy and yet there's restlessness and hunger to know this is not really  home and that means THANK YOU thank You that I get to be where I am wading in the messiness of human hearts and many mistakes and the fathomless depths of Your Words stars spoken in a treasure chest with beat-up leather covers.   it's so not the neat and tidy I am comfortable with but somehow I love that because You're rearranging my heart and there is no good symphony built of resolved chords and the best music is the beautiful tension, You transforming dark chaos into the light of hope and in these moments of  sweat and elbow grease, blood and baby skin  empty arms and full, full hearts somehow even the ache can be beautiful because even though I will always mourn my little ones and all the loved ones too far to touch my heart continues to swell and stretch,  and I never knew I co...

It's been a really long time since I did a gifts post!  Since last spring, in fact...  Here are a few from here and there. #3516  A Mom phone call #3535  Christ, today #3539  "I trust you" #3551 A spontaneous trip to WaWa exclusively for gummy worms #3573  My brother & his girlfriend sitting together in church and the text he sends to his friend's mom "It's official" and her phone isn't on silent #3589 Opa Brink and his "coffee klaar?" #3628 Rippled plains #3634 Evenings of Dutch Blitz and laughter #3635  That precious weight and the privilege of soothing a frightened baby back to sleep #3636  Making dinner with the shelter ladies #3638  Being asked to paint a quilt square for the quilt that kept her hands busy and her resolve strong #3640  A sweet girl playing Veggie Tale clips again and again and again #3641  The impossible conversation that happens  #3643 So much...

will you stay up and listen to the rain with me? silver-gold streets, pulsing, purring drain-spouts and the here and there traffic sloshes gloriously we don't have to venture out but we could blinking in it all wet all through the edges of my worn-out comfy shoes or we could slide open the windows let it spatter in a little either way, let's revel in it's music smell the concoction of fall and fresh and midnight the world is humming content will you soak it in with me?

how can I explain this so that you understand how it picked up my world and spun it dizzy til, now, I see everything differently? how can I reduce to a mere few words something that still keeps me up nights lately the tears are so close to the surface and the weirdest things will break the dam it won't make sense to tell you that I still keep thinking of the vodka bottle in the middle of the road why I want to learn to dance well how much I miss the  warm fuzzy-headed weight on my chest? words fall so flat if I tell you what I saw and heard you might be shocked,  might say "how awful!" and you'd be right (though you probably won't feel it the way we did) but  that's not the point. image source  

say yes to love, my friend it steals in, frightens you with it's call to be Loved and to love always in that order always. It'll be inconvenient but that's the good stuff you'll have to learn how to steward your resources because they're never ever yours. It'll pull you places you didn't want to go sit you down with souls you turned your nose up at who you never noticed who freak you out a hand over hand tug of war "give up comfort, die to self, learn how to pray, really pray" because they are you and Love pushes you until you have to say "i need help." haha!  Who would have known. You opened yourself to give love and all the while you were learning how to receive it. image courtesy of Google

So I can be a little sentimental at times.  I like that I wrote a blog post last year on my birthday, because it was fun to look back on today.  So I am going to write another in order to have something to read next year.  =D   Last year right around my birthday was the beginning of an exciting adventure.  (I won't recap because you can read what I wrote on the link above.)  It was harder than I expected in some ways - but doesn't everyone end up saying that.  It has also been far better than I ever expected, and my Lord has been shaping and teaching me in ways I never knew existed.  It's still a little hard for me to put a finger on some of what I've been learning.  When 2014 began, I wrote about freedom , and it's good for me to look back on that as well.  Because what I see when I look at this past year is a God who brought me to things I thought I couldn't do and to places I thought I couldn't go and said "I am...

I need Thee every hour Because I can't live without Life, without Hope or Love Most gracious Lord Without You, Christ, I stand against a tsunami of holy goodness that should burn my dirty self away No tender voice like Thine can peace afford Because it's costly, that peace, so precious that no voice but the Divine can speak it into my days - and You do I need Thee, Oh I need Thee I need to know that You bought that Peace, it was already Yours but You bought it for me Every hour I need Thee Studying, working, job-hunting, cooking, chatting, cleaning, loving, losing, missing, hoping Oh bless me now, my Savior I'm terrified but You've promised it a thousand different ways so Pursued by Your love, teach me to yield I come to Thee      

and soft she kisses black eyes blink sister toddles off oblivious to the call her name, but play is imperative a sigh soon, she'll fetch the wanderer but she lingers with the tiny bundle drawn back to those eyes serious, penetrating and they speak to one another silently. imagesource

My brother's voice was one of 300, earnest and focused so the praise rang powerful, and stilled our hearts but I wasn't riveted until they took the stage some in wheelchairs, some shuffling and fidgety, broken bodies and broken minds.  in between, the 'helpers', perhaps the only ones who could really sing but the helpers were not the serious ones, oh no those who made the less beautiful noises were much more serious, earnest, eager and in all this beautifulness there was a lady in one of the wheelchairs not much hair, a bright pink bow perhaps a little frightened and when the spotlights fired up she winced cowering under so much glory it hurts our eyes, you see and my heart sank as she covered her face with her arm if I could, I would have said "don't!  you're going to miss out on so much!" ah, but I know the feeling it's just too much I am broken too I just can't handle glory like an Israelite cowering at the shining face ...

I am posting this because I am tired of studying and found this in my papers.  You can find my professor's version of this assignment here. 1.   Look up.   Be honest with the Lord, and give Him your questions, your pain, your fear or anger.   Remember that He is sovereign and allows nothing by chance.   As you turn to Him, you turn to the One who has experienced the most extreme suffering eternity has ever witnessed.   He is powerful, purposeful and patient, and He is your gentle Shepherd who is intensely affected by your pain.  2. Don’t suppress the urge to weep; allow the tears to come.   The brokenness and pain of this fallen world should affect us.   Suffering is proof that something is dreadfully wrong with this world, and pretending all is well doesn’t make it well.   The fact that we know that the Healer has come is our hope, but while we are in this life, we still feel the effects of sin.   It is still a heart-br...

  I asked, ‘will you tell me your story?’ and they said yes invited me into their hearts what an honor to be welcomed into their hurt and my breath catches to realize the responsibility to feel how very much I could hurt them and the richness God has for us in this place of honesty. tell me more? heal us, Lord! what was this like for you? and I must cling to Him afraid of what sinful self can do to relationships do I really understand you? but the blood of Christ washes over and as I bumble around in a sensitive heart I could cause such destruction unless I live on incessant prayer and humility I’ve put my finger on the pulse of the Spirit’s healing oh, there’s joy throbbing through our veins and we’re washed in the sunbeams of awe I see God.

 Why is it so easy to live life numb and believe I am self-sufficient?  Why do there seem to be so many obstacles to loving people well?  Why does an element of uncertainty guarantee that I will be obsessed with said topic?  Why can my phone not handle uploading 40 minutes of Kevin DeYoung video onto the internet?  What happens if this broke student doesn't fundraise enough to cover all my costs for my summer internship?  What if I don't find a job this fall?  What if the truck that hit the car my brother was in this week had been going a little faster than he was?  How do I grow in realizing my need for God's Word, and managing my time so that it is priority?  How should a Christian worldview assess the diagnosis of PTSD and what am I going to focus on in my paper on said topic?  How am I going to pack up all my things in time, and are we going to have an apartment to move into next fall?  How am I going to retain all the other th...

Just a few more gifts from my list.  Since I'm trying to be inspired to write a fundraising letter.  =) #3407  A wonderful lady who calls me "Little sis" #3416 Someone at church who perseveres in trying to make conversation even though I can see it's difficult #3422  The carriage house (student center) at school with the morning sun streaming in #3447 An early morning walk to wake myself up after a late night studying! #3448  "I will wait on Your name, for it is good." (Ps 52) #3451  My papers submitted, even if they were terrible     #3460  Emails from my youngest brother, who promises to teach me some self-defense when I come home #3461  Sharing a story that shaped me #3464  Friends who feed me dinner #3467  A Starbucks gift card from my Dad!  #3469  An old friend visiting, and time to be still #3475  A conversion story and the story-teller's joy ...

I've been that girl beating my wings against the bars of grace desperately restless I've been that girl running, running cold hiding away inside myself I've been that girl but it's one step after the other and it's a wrestling gasping mercy drowning in love and it burns white hot because I've always been pursued I've always been hedged in and even when it hurts,  I am held and here I struggle and today, I am so content but even when I find myself wearing through my shoes again on the road, wandering again always I am home. With You.

Dear one – yes you with the pain hidden in your eyes And the shoulders slumped with the weight of it all Did you know?   Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; I know you ask, what does that even mean? It weighs a hundred pounds Yes, but He’s carried millions Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. We belittle; mock Him as He hangs naked and suffocating We shudder; pronounce Him disgusting Not seeing – that is us But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The bruises, the lashes, the hellfire, they were yours Come, weary one, lay your wounds in His lap He holds you in His infinite battle-scarred hands The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, Yes, peace – in this broken world it is possible Past this broken world it is sure, complete And by His stripes Ah!   The blood spurts, washes over “See how I love you.” We are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5   ...